Thursday, April 16, 2009

My Very First "Let's Just Be Friends"

So I went visiting my former city over Easter break. 2 weeks before I got there, I made plans with an ex-coworker I number closed in a book store the last time I was in town, about 9 months ago. She is in her mid-30's, Chinese American, been in the USA for 6 years and lived in Canada for 2 before that. I was slightly nervous about this date, because she worked with me, and if I totally fuck this one up, a lot of my ex-coworkers, including the ones I still keep in contact with, would know about my fuck-up. I had to "play it safe" and disable my "push till it becomes awkward, and then push 20% more" attitude.

Sunday night, we met up around 7PM at a fancy little Spanish bar across the street from where we worked together - quiet house music and colorful ambient light, perfect. She doesn't drink much, so I told her I'd order her something as a surprise, and got her a mango puree (Mango juice and rum in a martini glass). I got a Caipirinha, a really popular Brazilian drink. We sat, and chatted. We made some "boring" talk, about our hobbies, and she showed me her new E-book reader, the Kindle from Amazon. Since she's Chinese (I'm Chinese American), I built some comfort about some old commonalities, like how were, as children, were expected to grow up and stuff. It turned out that she grew up in the same city I was born in. I mentioned a park my parents took me to when I was 8 yrs old, and a squire my grandparents took me to when I was 4 to ride my tricycle, and it built tremendous comfort because she frequented those places too.

I then offered to take a walk at the waterfront about 15 minutes away. While I was driving, she commented on how she likes to ride in other people's cars because she doesn't have a car of her own and metros everywhere. Other than the initial hug, I still haven't broken the "touch" barrier. Her words and facial expression seemed warm and kind, but her body language seemed a bit frigid. She wouldn't lean in to me or anything. After about 10 minutes of walking around, I took a seat at a bench at the waterfront. I casually threw in that I've been getting slightly into palm reading, she got somewhat intrigued and asked some follow up questions, I did a 5 minute palm reading routine, and the touch barrier was broken. I held her hand, traced it up and down during the routine, but she took her hand away afterwards.

After the palm reading routine, I transitioned into the handwriting analysis routine for more comfort building and the cube game. I couldn't smoothly escalate kino or create much sexual attraction. I took a small chance. The weather was around 50 degrees and she didn't have a jacket on, and I commented on the fact that she had her arms crossed. I said "All those practical psychology stuff I was just talking about, body language is also a really useful one. Such as right now, with your arms crossed in front of you, it either shows you're defensive about your own personality, or you're just cold". She claims to be cold, so I stood up, led her to stand up as well, and held her in my arms........a prolonged hug that held for a long, long time. I took her head and moved it right onto my chest,
and asked "Feeling warmer?"
She quietly, shyly said "yes".
I petted her hair as I kept on hugging her, "so how long has it been since you've been in someone's arms?"
She answered "3 years".
Me: "Do you like this?"
Her: "yes, but.......well, I'm just going to stop talking"

I gave her a kiss on the forehead, and gave her one last squeeze in a hugging manner and led her back onto the bench, sitting next to me, with her cute, slender body next to mine, and my arm around her shoulder. She still seemed a bit frigid, she wasn't pushing me away, but she also didn't lean her body into mine. I commented that she had her hands together between her thighs. Jokingly, I said "It's cute that your hands are between your legs, you're either really cold, or you're really excited and you just want to touch yourself". She laughed and said "shut up". I grabbed her hands with mine, rubbed them together, gave one of her hands a quick kiss, held it a bit longer, "here, better?". She said "yes".

I tried to transition into another location. We spent some time talking about how pretty the bridge across the water was, and I asked "we should take a drive on that bridge". She didn't say yes or no, so I just do what I normally do and assume we were going. As we are standing up, she asked what time it was, and it was around 9:30. She then asked me "Would you like to do that some other time instead?" I said "Yeah, it's getting late and you have to work tomorrow." While walking back to the car, I offered her a mint and she took it. I choked, I hesitated, I lost my window of opportunity. I should've given her a kiss when she took the mint, but I didn't. I don't know why, but our "connection" made me not want to risk anything, could I emo-ly genuinely care about another person? Nah, that can't be it.

On the drive back, we chatted more about dating (not each other though), and our parents' expectations and stuff. I told her about my parents hierarchy of race preferences, and she told me about hers. With our parents being from similar cultures, the hierarchies were exactly the same. She mentioned "I'd like to meet your parents, because they're from the same city I was". I cockily said "Hah, most women I date have to wait months before meeting my parents, you're not going to weasel your way to the front of the line that easily". She said "No, not like that. We will never date, I'm your big sister". I made some more small talk, and got a bit deeper into more serious subjects, like marriages and stuff. At a stop light, she said semi-jokingly "It's okay, I have a brother, my parents don't expect much out of me, and I give up on myself". I said "give me your hand", as she slowly gives me her hand, I held it gave it a small kiss, looked at her in the eyes, "never give up on yourself, you're a good girl". She smiled shyly and looked down.

As I was dropping her off, I asked "so do I get to check out your apartment?" She said "No, it's a mess, maybe another time". She also offered to help me with "girl advice" as a "big sister", I gave her a hug good night and called it a night.

Things I did well:
  • Genuine connection and comfort due to similarities
  • Artificial comfort due to intriguing routines

Things I need to improve on:
  • Generating more attraction - not one-liner attraction "spikes", but really amp attraction overall
  • Take more social risks, go for the kiss like I normally should.

1 comment:

smith said...

Lol, can't agree more. To have some serious relationship it is important to have a start with being friends and then move on to other level.